Let me tell you about a side of me which contains a lot of pain.
Since I can remember I’ve wanted to find the man who’s right for me. In my ignorance I allowed the world to tell me how that can come to be - Do this, wear this, say that.
I put so much weight on how the opposite sex viewed me. Was I acceptable enough? Skinny enough, Pretty enough, funny enough, clever enough? Was I what they wanted me to be?
In my younger years I took rejection as a sign I was not good enough, regardless who was doing the rejecting. I soon came to the conclusion that my dream man wouldn’t look twice at me.
So I learnt to settle or if I did like someone change myself to fit into the girl they would want around. I did things that felt wrong for acceptance. I was so scared they would see the real me with all it’s brokenness and confirm my fears that I in fact just wasn’t good enough to be loved.
I bounced in and out of one failed relationship after another. From the age of 16 to 26 I was never single for longer than 2 months and didn’t stay with the same man for longer than a year. I was cheated on and rejected but also broke the hearts of men who I never should have gone past a first date with.
The fear of being alone was too much. Did this confirm I was unlovable?
So now where am I?
God has been changing this for me but it hasn’t been easy. Since becoming a Christian 3 years ago i’ve had my views on relationships flipped on their head. I resisted it for the first year, slipped back into my old ways the next and now we are here.
I have been single for 6 months. I have cried about it more than I’d like to let on. I have felt like someone trying to overcome and addiction they had been using as a coping mechanism. I am well and truly wading through it in the most wholehearted and vulnerable way I can. Not running or patching over the pain but sitting in it with God by my side and healing it probably. Trusting that he has a plan to turn this all around for his glory!
I know I don’t need a man to fulfil my life, I know they come along when you stop looking, I know I am still young and have time. All these things you don’t need to tell me.